this is what i have to say about sex

I just finished Real Sex: The Naked Truth about Chastity, by Lauren Winner, who is one of my new favorite authors, mostly because she's kind of a nerdy theologian, and so am I. On the whole, I liked it a lot, mostly because as a youth pastor who has to talk to teenagers about sex in the context of Christianity, I like the way Lauren Winner does it more than anyone else I've ever read.

Case in point: a few months ago I was perusing a Christian bookstore to try and find some books to use with my high schoolers. I came across a book called Technical Virgin: How Far is too Far? by Haylie DiMarco. DiMarco's book represents everything I hate about most Christian books on sex geared toward teenagers (or sex in general). I didn't read all of it, and I didn't buy it, but I did stand in the bookstore for a long period of time looking through it. Geared toward teenage girls, a lot of the book talks about how evil teenage boys are, how all they want from relationships is physical satisfaction, how if you let them tickle you or if you sit in your room alone with them they are assuming sex is the inevitable next step and they'll be pissed off if you don't deliver. Not only will they be pissed off, but so will God. As she says (I texted this sentence to myself so I wouldn't forget it): "if you allow a boy to use you for sexual satisfaction you are leading him down a path of destruction and God is blaming you."

There are so many things wrong with that sentence, I am not sure where to start. First, it's assuming that the girl is getting no sexual satisfaction out of the deal*, second, it perpetuates the centuries-old stereotype that men are helpless beings forced to act on their sexual impulses if a woman encourages them in the slightest, and third, it paints a very scary (an untruthful) picture of God.

*This hits on another one of her scary themes, which is, as she puts it: "sex = depression" THAT'S a real positive way to make girls feel good about their bodies. Plus, while it may be true for some, it's definitely not true for everyone.

I like Lauren Winner's handling of the subject for most of the reasons I dislike DiMarco's. Winner talks about sex in the wider context of Scripture, starting in Genesis, and affirms us all as good, bodily, sexual creations. She addresses lies that the church tells (for instance, that premarital sex will make you feel bad, ahem, DIMARCO), and the lies the world tells (for instance, all sex is fabulous, movie-style sex). She talks about how a lot of Christians just want to know: What can I do? How far can I go? (see DiMarco's title) but says that's the wrong question to ask. The concept of chastity, she says, is not determining a firm list of rules and boundaries, but it is, as she puts it "doing sex in the body of Christ." This statement, I think, gives a pretty good idea of the general tone of her book.

She's not enough of a feminist as I would want her to be, and she doesn't deal with Scripture as much as I would like (her second chapter is on Scriptural basis for sex to be kept in a marital context, but the actual Scriptural support is, in my opinion, pretty scanty), but on the whole I like her candid, frank, fresh approach to the subject. She doesn't veer too far from the Orthodox teachings, but she teaches in a way that is much more accessible and realistic. She doesn't want Christians to be afraid of sex. Which is, you know, a good thing.

In sum, if this is a topic you are looking to read something on, do not read this:












read this: